Why Do I Keep Trying? The Pain of Feeling Misunderstood by Family
May 11, 2025
You speak up. You try again. You extend grace, even when it’s not returned. And still, your family doesn’t get it—and worse, they make you feel like you’re wrong for even trying.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why do I keep trying?”—you’re not alone. There’s a very real and very painful emotional toll that comes from being repeatedly misunderstood by the people who are supposed to know you best.
The Pain of Not Being Seen
Family is supposed to be your safe place. The people who cheer you on and stand beside you even when you don’t have the words. But for many people, family can be the place where they feel the most unseen.
I’ve felt it myself. About a year before my dad died, he told me something I’ll never forget. He said, “We just didn’t know what to do with you. You were… different.”
There wasn’t malice in his voice. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. But the impact was deep. That moment put words to a lifelong ache—the sense that my family never really understood me. That who I was didn’t fit. And yet, because they were my family, I kept trying. I wanted to be known. I wanted connection. I still do. And it hurts when trying just leaves you feeling more rejected than before.
That awkward moment when your parent affirms for you that you really were the ugly duckling:
“You were always so much different from your mom and I…”
And that they absolutely had no clue.
As Clarissa Pinkola Estés writes in Women Who Run with the Wolves:
"The duckling of the story is symbolic of the wild nature, which, when pressed into circumstances of little nurture, instinctively holds on and holds out, sometimes with style, other times with little grace, but holds on nevertheless... For the wilding woman, duration is one of her greatest strengths."
Dear ones, love your children like the swans they are—even if you don’t understand them. Embrace that which makes them a soul like none other, and teach them to love and tend that soul too. This is important.
Why We Keep Trying (Even When It Hurts)
There’s something deeply human about wanting to be known. To feel like your people see the real you and still love you. That longing doesn’t just go away because it’s been hard. In fact, the more we try and don’t feel met, the deeper the ache becomes.
But here’s the thing: when we keep trying and bump into the same wall over and over again, we start to internalize the rejection. We wonder, Is it me? Am I asking for too much? Am I too sensitive? Too intense? Too complicated?
Those aren’t just passing thoughts. Over time, they shape our self-perception. And they can lead us to distrust our own emotional compass.
Rebuilding Trust in Yourself
When you’ve spent years having your feelings dismissed or misunderstood, it can feel disorienting to even ask yourself what you really think or feel. Rebuilding that trust with yourself is the first step toward healing.
Here are a few ways to start:
Validate your own experience.
You don’t need anyone else to agree with your emotions in order for them to be real. If something hurt, it hurt. If something didn’t sit right, that matters. Practice affirming your own inner voice instead of silencing it.
Notice where you shrink.
Start to observe the moments when you edit yourself—when you downplay your opinions, emotions, or needs to avoid conflict. These are clues that your trust in your own voice has been eroded. Notice without judgment, and gently ask yourself what you really wanted to say.
Create safe containers.
You don’t need dozens of people who get you—just one or two safe places can make a huge difference. That might be a trusted friend, a support group, or a confidential listener who reflects you back to yourself with kindness.
Look for patterns, not proof.
If you’re always the one doing the emotional labor to repair or reconnect, that’s a pattern. If you feel worse after opening up to someone in your family more often than you feel better, that’s a pattern. Trusting yourself means noticing these patterns and making decisions that protect your peace—not waiting for proof that your family is finally ready to meet you where you are.
Let love start with you.
The love you were hoping to get from others? Begin offering it to yourself. That might sound trite, but it’s deeply transformative. You don’t have to earn your own compassion. You just have to allow it.
You’re Not Asking for Too Much
If you’ve ever been told that you’re too sensitive, too much, or too emotional—know this: you’re not too much. You were likely just surrounded by people who didn’t have the capacity to hold space for your full self.
That doesn’t mean you have to cut ties. But it does mean you’re allowed to stop contorting yourself to fit into spaces that can’t meet you. You’re allowed to stop trying so hard. And you’re allowed to begin trying something new: trusting yourself.
You get to decide what kind of relationships you want in your life. You get to build the safety and connection you didn’t have growing up. And you get to keep growing into a version of yourself that doesn’t apologize for being emotionally aware and beautifully complex.
Finding Support That Doesn’t Ask You to Shrink
If you’re tired of feeling like your family doesn’t get it—and even more tired of how terrible that makes you feel—you deserve a space where you don’t have to explain, defend, or justify who you are.
That’s what HOLD is for. Our confidential listening service gives you space to speak freely, to feel heard, and to rebuild trust in your own voice. There’s no judgment, no advice, and no expectation that you be anything other than who you are.
Because the first step in healing from being misunderstood… is being understood.
