Regulate. Relate. Reason.
Jul 06, 2025
Emotional dysregulation. It’s a big phrase with a very real impact—especially in parenting, relationships, and even leadership. When someone is dysregulated, it means their brain has flipped into a stress response. They’re not thinking clearly, not responding rationally, and no amount of logic will pull them back in that moment.
We’ve all seen it. Someone is overwhelmed, reactive, spiraling. Maybe it’s a child melting down in the park. Maybe it’s a coworker slamming a door. Maybe it’s you—snapping at your partner or crying behind the wheel. These aren’t rare moments. They’re human moments.
But if we want real connection—even in the hard stuff—we have to respond with intention. And that starts with three deceptively simple steps: Regulate. Relate. Reason.
What Emotional Dysregulation Looks Like
When someone is dysregulated, they’ve lost access to the part of the brain responsible for logic, reflection, and planning. They’re flooded—emotionally and physically—with stress chemicals. And in that moment, they can’t hear you. Not really.
Maybe you’ve tried validating them—saying things like, “I hear you,” or “It’s okay to be upset”—but they’re still in free fall. They’re raising their voice. Their body language is sharp. Or maybe they’ve gone silent, withdrawn into a shutdown state.
Here’s the key: If validation doesn’t calm them, you’re not in a reasoning moment yet.
And if you feel your shoulders tense, your chest tighten, your own thoughts race—then you’re probably dysregulated, too. Continuing the conversation at that point? Not helpful. Possibly harmful.
We must learn to pause.
A Personal Example from the Park
Years ago, I was at the park with my child. The kind of day where you’ve done your parenting diligence—you’ve set expectations, given the five-minute warning, done all the “right” things. But the moment comes to leave, and your child isn’t having it.
They cry. They yell. They go boneless in the mulch.
It’s easy in those moments to feel pulled off center. Maybe I say, “I told you five minutes ago we were leaving!” Maybe I drag them to the car, heart pounding, embarrassed by the stares of other parents.
But here’s what I’ve learned: If I let my own emotions lead, I’ve stopped parenting and started reacting.
Now, imagine that same moment—but this time, I get on their level. I breathe. I soften. I ask my child to breathe, too.
“I see you’re disappointed. Leaving feels hard. You wanted more time, and I understand. And it is time to go now. Let’s talk about whether we can come back tomorrow.”
That moment shifts everything. I’ve regulated myself, offered them the chance to relate, and then added reasoning. It doesn’t guarantee a smile and a handshake. But it often leads to less resistance, more understanding, and a child who feels safe—even in their big feelings.
Why Self-Regulation Comes First
Whether you’re a parent, a partner, a teacher, or a team leader, your ability to stay grounded directly affects how people respond to you. When you lose your center, you lose your influence.
That’s why the first step in Bruce Perry’s “Regulate, Relate, Reason” model is so powerful.
Let’s say someone you love is yelling. Or crying. Or shutting down. You want to help. You want to fix it. So you jump in with logic:
“Let’s look at the facts.”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
“Just calm down.”
But they don’t calm down. They escalate. And maybe you do, too.
That’s because reasoning doesn’t work until we’ve regulated. The nervous system has to feel safe before the brain can think.
So How Do You Regulate?
This part is personal. No one tool works for everyone. But there are patterns.
- Breathing. Slow, steady inhales and longer exhales signal to the brain that it’s safe to calm down.
- Music. Songs at 60–80 beats per minute mimic a calm heartbeat and help ease the body out of fight-or-flight.
- Movement. A walk, stretching, dancing—anything that helps you shift stuck energy.
- Sensory tools. Cold water, a favorite texture, weighted blankets—these can help anchor you in the present.
- Pause. Sometimes, simply saying, “I need a moment to collect my thoughts,” is the most powerful tool of all.
You can’t regulate someone else if you’re not regulated yourself. This is co-regulation in action—helping another person find calm because you’ve created it inside yourself.
The Science Behind the Sequence
In What Happened to You, Dr. Bruce Perry writes:
“Without some degree of regulation, it is difficult to connect with another person, and without connection, there is minimal reasoning.”
He’s right. When a person is dysregulated, their brain is in survival mode. The only language it speaks is safety—or danger.
Regulate first. Then relate—make a connection through empathy, eye contact, and presence. Only then can you reason—explain, guide, or make decisions together.
Trying to reason first is like trying to plant seeds in frozen ground. The soil just isn’t ready.
Parenting, Leadership, and Beyond
This approach doesn’t just apply to kids. Adults are often emotionally dysregulated, too—we’ve just learned to disguise it better.
That employee who snapped in a meeting? That partner who shuts down when you raise a concern? That friend who ghosted you instead of having a hard conversation?
We are all still learning how to regulate. How to feel our feelings. How to listen. How to speak with care.
But here’s the good news: It’s learnable.
And in practicing it, we become safer people for others. We become people who don’t escalate chaos—but hold space for clarity.
Check in
So much of life comes down to this:
- Can I stay present, even when emotions run high?
- Can I listen, even when I disagree?
- Can I model what it looks like to breathe, connect, and move forward with intention?
If you’re navigating a relationship, a conflict, or a personal season where regulation feels impossible—HOLD is here.
Our confidential listening sessions aren’t therapy. But they are deeply therapeutic in that people leave feeling better.
We listen without judgment, offer space to think clearly, and help you find your center again.
