“That’s Theirs, Not Mine”: How to Stay Grounded When Someone You Love Is Upset

It’s one of the hardest things in the world—to stay in your center when someone you care about is spinning out emotionally. Maybe they're angry. Maybe they’re overwhelmed. Maybe they're hurt and lashing out. Maybe they are so incredibly sad.  And if you’re anything like most people with a sensitive heart, it’s hard not to feel like you’re being pulled right into the storm with them.

I talked specifically about this on a recent podcast “Raising Wild Hearts” with Ryann Watkin, giving an example from my life to help you if you care to listen.  

Whether it’s a partner, a child, a parent, or a close friend, someone else's emotional reaction can feel like it takes up the entire room. But here's the truth we often forget in the moment: their feelings are not yours. And you don't have to carry what isn't meant for you.

That doesn't mean you stop caring. It means you can love them and stay anchored in your own emotional truth at the same time.

You Don’t Have to Absorb It to Be Present

The first step is giving yourself permission to not absorb someone else’s feelings, even if you love them deeply. You can be present, supportive, and kind—without letting their anger or pain overtake your nervous system.

That’s not detachment in a cold or distant way. It’s healthy separation. Emotional boundaries aren't walls. They're filters. And a good filter lets you notice what’s happening without being consumed by it.

One of my friends has a brilliant phrase for this. When things start to get emotionally chaotic around her, she mentally steps back and says:
“Shit's over there.”

It’s not dismissive. It’s a quiet act of clarity. She pictures the emotion or situation like a pile of clutter sitting off to the side—not on top of her, not tangled around her. Just… over there. And then she can breathe again.

Breathe First, React Later

Speaking of breath, let’s pause there for a moment—because this is one of the simplest, most powerful tools you can use.

If you feel yourself getting pulled in—your stomach tightens, your chest gets hot, your brain starts racing—breathe.

Seriously. One deep breath. In through the nose, long and slow. Out through the mouth, like you're cooling soup.

This is not about calming them down. It’s about calming you so you can show up as the person you want to be, not just the one reacting in real time. The goal isn’t to fix their feelings. It’s to stay in touch with yours.

Feelings Aren’t Right or Wrong

Part of what makes emotional moments so overwhelming is the belief that someone must be right and someone must be wrong. But that’s just not how emotions work.

Feelings are data. They’re messages. And sometimes those messages are messy or confusing or even contradictory. But they’re not bad. They’re just... what is.

You’re allowed to feel grounded while someone else feels afraid. You’re allowed to feel hopeful while someone else feels hopeless. You’re not invalidating their experience by having your own.

When you step back like a bug on the wall (yes, imagine yourself as a little bug in the corner of the ceiling), you can observe both experiences happening at once.
“This is what I feel. This is what they feel.”
Both are real.
Neither is wrong.

This Takes Practice—You’re Not Failing

If you’ve ever walked away from a heated conversation thinking, Why did I get so upset? I didn’t even mean to yell, please know this: it’s normal. This is learned behavior for nearly everyone. It’s not a personal failing—it’s just practice you haven’t had yet.

In fact, one of the best things you can do in the middle of a tough moment is say quietly to yourself:
I’m learning.
That one phrase helps shift your brain out of shame or panic and into a space of curiosity and growth.

You’re not responsible for controlling someone else's emotional weather. But you can learn how to carry an umbrella instead of soaking it all in.

Try This the Next Time It Happens

The next time you feel your stomach drop because someone’s words or tone hits you wrong, or you feel yourself climbing into their emotional rollercoaster, try this:

• Take one breath.
  
  
• Imagine that pile of emotional stuff sitting in a heap, just a few feet away.
  
  
• Say in your mind: That’s theirs. This is mine.
  
  
• Ask yourself: What do I need to stay grounded right now?
  Maybe it’s space. Maybe it’s silence. Maybe it’s reminding yourself they’re allowed to be upset and you’re allowed to stay calm.
  
  

And If You Need Someone to Hear You…

Sometimes, the emotional stuff is yours. Sometimes you’re the one spinning out, needing a safe place to unload without judgment or advice. That’s okay too.

Whether you’re the calm one in the storm or the person trying not to drown in it—everyone needs someone to hear them. That’s what we’re here for.

If you need space to sort through your thoughts, feel what you feel, and come back to center, you can book a confidential listening appointment right here:
 https://www.hearingoutlifedrama.com/book-online

No fixing. No pressure. Just calm, comfort, and clarity.