Coping with Grief: How to Help Yourself through the Loss of Someone You Love

This article is the first in a series exploring different kinds of grief. Loss does not always arrive the same way, and the emotional experience can vary depending on the circumstances.

In this series we explore several forms of grief, including Anticipatory Grieving, Complex Grieving, Ambiguous Grieving, Secondary Grieving.  Each type carries its own emotional challenges, and understanding those differences can help people navigate the dark days with more compassion for themselves.

Years ago, when I was serving as a pastor in a small community, I received calls in the middle of the night when someone had died and a family wanted someone to come sit with them.

One night the call came that a man had passed away, and his family wanted me there.

When I arrived, I found his wife, Lil, surrounded by her many children. She and her husband had been married for nearly six decades.

What I remember most vividly wasn’t what anyone said. It was what Lil held in her hands.

Instead of a box of tissues, she had a large towel.

At one point she said something that has stayed with me ever since:

“Some kinds of sad need a bigger answer.”

That moment has always felt like one of the most honest descriptions of grief I’ve ever heard.

Because grief — especially after the natural death of someone we love — often arrives exactly like that.

Big. Heavy. And impossible to contain in small ways.

Understanding Natural Grief

Natural grief is the sorrow that follows the death of a loved one due to age, illness, or other non-traumatic causes.

Sometimes the loss is expected. Sometimes it comes after a long illness or a gradual decline.

But even when death is not a surprise, grief can still feel overwhelming.

People often assume that when a death is expected, the grief will somehow be easier.

It rarely works that way.

Even when we know it’s coming, the moment of loss can still land like a shock.

And what follows is often a complicated mix of emotions.

The Mixed Emotions of Natural Loss

When someone dies after a long illness or a prolonged period of suffering, grief can carry many emotions at once.

There may be deep sadness and a profound sense of loss.

There may also be relief that the person is no longer in pain.

Sometimes people feel relief that the caregiving journey has ended after months or years of exhaustion.

And almost immediately, that relief can be followed by guilt.

Many people quietly ask themselves:

Why do I feel relieved? Does that make me a bad person?

The answer is no.

These emotions are not a sign of failure or lack of love.

They are a natural response to the complexity of the situation.

Grief often holds many emotions at once. Love. Sadness. Relief. Gratitude. Exhaustion.

All of them can exist together.

When the Timing Feels Painful

Another moment from my chaplaincy work stays with me.

A man had been sitting beside his father for hours as his life slowly faded. Eventually he stepped out of the room to grab a cup of coffee.

While he was gone, his father died.

The son was devastated. He had wanted so badly to be there in the exact moment.

What many people don’t realize is that some dying individuals seem to wait until loved ones leave the room before letting go.

Whether it is intentional or simply the body’s final rhythm, it happens often enough that many hospice workers quietly acknowledge it.

Sometimes the circumstances of death unfold in ways no one can control.

And the people left behind can carry guilt for things that were never theirs to carry.

Allowing Yourself to Grieve

One of the most important steps in grief is giving yourself permission to experience it.

Our culture often places unspoken expectations on how long grief should last or what it should look like.

But grief does not follow a predictable timeline.

Some days may feel manageable.

Other days may feel impossibly heavy.

Grief is not a straight path forward. It is often a series of emotional turns and circles.

Some people describe it as waves.

Others describe it exactly the way many therapists do:

Grief is not linear.

It’s a series of squiggles.

Allowing those squiggles to unfold without judgment is one of the most compassionate things you can do for yourself.

The Importance of Support

Grief can feel incredibly isolating, but it doesn’t have to be faced alone.

Talking with trusted friends or family members can help ease the weight.

Some people find comfort in grief support groups where others understand what they’re experiencing.

Others find it helpful to speak with counselors or therapists who specialize in grief support.

There is no single right way to seek support — only the way that feels most helpful for you.

Honoring the Life That Was Lived

One of the most healing parts of grief is remembering the life of the person who died.

Sharing stories. Laughing at old memories. Saying their name.

Sometimes people hesitate to mention the deceased because they worry it will make the grieving person more upset.

But many grieving people feel the opposite.

Hearing their loved one’s name spoken aloud reminds them that the person mattered — and still matters.

Honoring memories keeps the connection alive in a new way.

Coping Strategies for the Darker Days

There are days in grief when the emotional weight feels especially heavy.

On those days, small practices can sometimes help steady the ground beneath you.

Writing in a journal can provide a place to express thoughts and emotions that feel difficult to say aloud.

Mindfulness or meditation can gently anchor you in the present moment when memories or worries begin to spiral.

Creating small rituals — such as lighting a candle, visiting a meaningful place, or taking a quiet walk — can become grounding practices that help carry you through difficult moments.

And during grief, basic self-care becomes more important than ever.

Drink water. Sleep when you can. Nourish your body.

Grief is not only emotional — it is physical as well.

Grief Takes Time

Natural grief is a deeply emotional journey.

Healing does not mean forgetting the person you loved.
It means slowly learning how to carry their memory forward while continuing to live your life.

That process takes patience and compassion for yourself.

Grief is rarely simple. But understanding it more deeply can help us move through it with greater gentleness toward ourselves.

And sometimes — as Lil reminded me that night — some kinds of sad simply need a bigger answer.

Written by Deb Porter, founder of HOLD | Hearing Out Life Drama—a space for calm, confidential listening and real emotional clarity.