Coping with Mean People & Mean Behaviors in Your Life
Aug 04, 2024
Yesterday, I started to feel mean words rising up in me. I noticed them before they came out, and I stopped myself. The people in the room noticed, too. They said, “Say it.” That caught me off guard. I knew they weren’t pushing me to be cruel — they were genuinely asking for my truth. Still, I said, “It’s not nice.” They stayed with me. So I let the angry words come out, carefully, honestly. And together, we worked it all the way through to a peaceful resolution.
I’m very aware that not everyone can do this. Many people don’t have that first internal pause — the moment where you catch yourself before the words fly. And even when someone does pause, they may not have the emotional tools to handle what comes next. When that happens, the meanness spills out fast. Voices rise. Defensiveness takes over. People get hurt. Once wounds are created, they tend to multiply.
This is why mean behavior matters — not just because it’s unpleasant, but because it disrupts connection, safety, and trust. In this piece, we’ll look at how to recognize mean behavior and what to do when you encounter it, both in your personal life and at work. Mean behavior shows up everywhere: in families, friendships, workplaces, neighborhoods, and online spaces. While it can feel overwhelming, there is a way forward that protects your peace and helps you live a more grounded, fulfilling life.
Before we go further, I want to be clear about language. Most of the people you might be tempted to call “mean” are not mean people — they are people exhibiting mean behavior. I spent a long time getting clear on this distinction because how we talk about this matters. I don’t believe people are inherently mean. I do believe people sometimes act in mean ways, especially when they’re overwhelmed, hurt, afraid, or dysregulated.
I still use the phrase “mean people” in this post, and I do so intentionally. That’s the phrase people search for when they’re confused, hurting, or trying to make sense of something painful. But throughout this piece, I’m referring to behavior — not identity. Most people do not act mean most of the time. Labels and judgments tend to shut down understanding, and I try to avoid both. At the same time, I deeply understand that some behavior is incredibly hard to live with. Naming it doesn’t make you unkind — it makes you honest.
Recognizing mean behavior isn’t always simple. Sometimes it’s obvious and sharp. Other times it’s subtle, quiet, or wrapped in plausible deniability. One helpful definition comes from Psychology Today, which describes mean behavior as purposefully saying or doing something to hurt someone, even if it happens only once or twice. When that behavior becomes repeated, it often crosses into bullying or more complex psychological patterns. Regardless of the category, the impact is real — and it deserves attention.
One of the clearest ways to recognize mean behavior is by noticing how it feels in your body. If you’ve acted meanly, you may feel regret, heaviness, or shame afterward. If someone has been mean to you, the reaction often shows up as discomfort, anger, tightness, nausea, or a sense that something just isn’t right. These signals matter. They’re information. When you notice them, you can start looking more clearly at what caused them.
In personal relationships, mean behavior often shows up as insults or name-calling that belittle rather than resolve. It can sound like mocking, mimicking, or passive-aggressive comments that leave you doubting yourself. Sometimes it’s exclusion — being intentionally left out of conversations or gatherings. Other times it’s gossip, public embarrassment, dismissiveness, intimidation, or the silent treatment. Gaslighting, where someone manipulates you into questioning your reality, can be especially damaging because it erodes trust in your own perceptions.
In professional settings, mean behavior may look different, but it lands just as hard. It can show up as bullying, excessive criticism with no path forward, or someone repeatedly undermining your work. You might notice credit being taken for your ideas, subtle microaggressions that accumulate over time, or being excluded from meetings and decisions you should be part of. Public shaming, sabotage, backstabbing, or threats tied to job security create an environment where people feel unsafe — and unsafe people don’t do their best work.
So what happens next? Someone has been mean. Now what?
The first step is taking care of yourself. Mean behavior has a way of lodging itself inside us, replaying long after the moment has passed. Self-care isn’t indulgent here — it’s necessary. That might mean rest, movement, journaling, or simply reminding yourself that someone else’s behavior is not a measure of your worth.
Boundaries matter next. Clear, calm boundaries communicate how you expect to be treated. This doesn’t require confrontation or escalation — it requires clarity. Using your words, when possible, can interrupt patterns before they deepen. Sometimes simply naming what happened and how it affected you is enough to shift behavior.
It also helps to widen your lens. Focusing on what’s steady and good in your life doesn’t excuse mean behavior, but it keeps it from taking over your inner world. Support matters, too. Talking with someone you trust can help you sort through what happened and decide what comes next.
If the behavior continues, it’s important to consider your options. Patterns matter more than isolated incidents. Assertive communication — calm, direct, and grounded — can sometimes stop things from escalating further. In professional settings, maintaining professionalism and emotional regulation protects you, even when others aren’t doing the same. Documenting incidents and having witnesses when possible can be important if formal action becomes necessary. Reporting or escalation should never be the first step, but sometimes it is the necessary one.
Here’s a simple example. One day, the lawn mower whirred — and my mom's peonies were destroyed. It was intentional. And yes, it was mean. What mattered most wasn’t just the act itself, but the context around it. Was this a one-time incident? Or part of a pattern? Had boundaries already been set? Had communication been attempted? Those answers determine what response made sense.
Patterns tell us what we’re dealing with. When boundaries, communication, and support don’t change the behavior, it may be time to protect yourself more actively — or step away.
If someone’s behavior is weighing on you and you’re not sure what to do next, you don’t have to sort it out alone. Sometimes what helps most is simply having a calm, neutral space to talk it through. HOLD offers confidential, judgment-free listening sessions designed to help you find clarity without pressure or advice.
