Coping with Mean People & Mean Behaviors in Your Life

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I remember the sound of the lawn mower.

I was 11 years old, and my dad was out in the yard. At first, nothing seemed unusual.

Until it became clear what he was doing.

He mowed right over my mother’s peonies.

On purpose.

It wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t a mistake.

It was mean.

I remember my mom standing there, looking at what was left of them, and then she started to cry.

At 11, I didn’t have language for what I was seeing.

I just knew something about it didn’t feel right.

That moment stayed with me.

Not just what happened—but the feeling of it.

And over time, I realized something important.

Most of us have moments like that.

Maybe not as obvious.

Maybe not as visible.

But moments where something is said or done that lands wrong.

I remember another time when someone said something they thought was funny.

Other people laughed.
I didn’t.

It wasn’t loud or harsh—but there was an edge to it.

And I found myself in that familiar place:

Do I say something? Or do I just let it go?

That’s the moment this blog is for.

Because when someone is mean—whether it’s obvious or subtle—the question isn’t just why did they do that?

Now the question becomes:

What am I supposed to do with it?

And if your mind does go to why, you’re not alone. I talk more about that in Why Are People Mean?

When Someone Is Mean to You

Mean behavior doesn’t always look the way we expect it to.

Sometimes it’s direct—sharp words, criticism, or something said with the intent to hurt.

Other times, it’s less obvious.

A comment that has an edge to it.
A tone that feels dismissive. A moment where you feel caught off guard and unsure how to respond.

And before we go further, it helps to make one distinction.

Most of the people you might be tempted to call “mean” are not mean people—they are people exhibiting mean behavior.

I spent a long time getting clear on that, because how we talk about this matters.

I don’t believe people are inherently mean. Often, what we experience as mean behavior is something that developed as a way to protect themselves.

I do believe people sometimes act in mean ways—especially when they’re overwhelmed, hurt, afraid, or don’t have the tools to respond differently.

That doesn’t make the behavior okay.

But it does give you a clearer way to see what’s happening.

Why It Can Be Hard to Respond

Most of us were never shown what to do in these situations.

So we rely on what feels safest in the moment.

We stay quiet.
We try to smooth it over.
We tell ourselves it’s not a big deal.

Or we react quickly—saying something back that we didn’t plan, just to protect ourselves.

None of those responses are wrong.

They’re human.

But they don’t always leave us feeling settled afterward.

What To Do in the Moment

When something feels mean, the first step isn’t to say the perfect thing.

It’s to notice what’s happening inside you.

That moment where something feels off—that matters.

Even if you don’t act on it right away.

Sometimes the most grounded response is to pause.

To give yourself a second to decide what you want to do, instead of reacting automatically.

If you do choose to say something, it doesn’t have to be big.

It can be as simple as:

“That didn’t land well for me.”

Or:

“I’m not sure what you meant by that.”

You’re not trying to win the moment.

You’re giving voice to your experience.

What To Do After

Not every moment needs to be addressed right away.

Sometimes you don’t find your words until later.

That’s okay.

If something stays with you—if it keeps replaying—it’s worth paying attention to.

You might decide to bring it up later.

You might decide it’s not something you want to engage with again.

Or you might realize the moment itself wasn’t isolated—it was part of something larger.

If this is where you are—replaying something, trying to make sense of it—you don’t have to hold that alone.

There’s a place to talk it through, exactly as it felt.

When It Keeps Happening

One moment can be confusing.

A pattern is something different.

When mean behavior shows up repeatedly, it starts to affect how safe you feel around that person.

That’s where boundaries begin to matter.

Not as a reaction—but as a way of protecting your steadiness.

A boundary might sound like:

“I’m not okay being spoken to like that.”

Or it might look like stepping back—limiting how much access that person has to you.

Not every situation allows for a clean conversation.

But you still get to decide what you stay in—and what you move away from.

Understanding Without Taking It On

It can sometimes help to understand what’s underneath someone’s behavior.

Often, mean behavior comes from fear, overwhelm, insecurity, or not having the tools to respond differently.

If you want to understand that more deeply, you may find that explored here:
https://www.hearingoutlifedrama.com/blog/why-are-people-mean

Understanding can create space.

But it doesn’t mean you take responsibility for what someone else said or did.

You can understand it—and still decide it’s not something you’re willing to carry.

Staying Connected to Yourself

When something feels mean, it’s easy to focus on the other person.

Why they said it.
What they meant.
Whether they’ll do it again.

But the more important question is:

What did that feel like for me?

Because your experience is the part you can actually respond to.

What felt off.
What didn’t sit right.
What you need now.
What helps you feel steady again.

That’s where your clarity comes from.

A Place to Talk It Through

If something is sitting with you and you’re not sure what to do next, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

At HOLD, we offer a calm, confidential space where you can talk through what happened—without being judged, redirected, or told what you should do.

https://www.hearingoutlifedrama.com/book-online

Sometimes, just saying it out loud changes how it feels.

What Matters Most

Not every mean moment needs a response.

But every moment deserves your awareness.

Because when you stay connected to what feels right for you—

you begin to move through these moments with more clarity, steadiness, and choice.

And that creates a shift in you.

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Written by Deb Porter, founder of HOLD | Hearing Out Life Drama—a space for calm, confidential listening and real emotional clarity.