How to Say No

Most of us learned to say no before we could form full sentences. It’s one of our earliest expressions of autonomy. But somewhere along the way, many of us started second-guessing it. We began replacing “no” with “maybe,” “sure,” or silence—especially when we knew deep down that “no” was the right answer.

Saying no isn't the hard part. It's holding it.

And often, the real work isn't just about using the word—it's about believing you have the right to use it.

Why Saying No Feels So Complicated

We don’t live in a culture that celebrates boundaries. We live in a culture that rewards availability, flexibility, helpfulness, and “being a team player.” We’re taught that saying no risks disappointing someone, hurting their feelings, or missing out on something important.

So we pile our calendars high, say yes out of guilt or fear, and tell ourselves we’ll rest later. But there’s a cost to ignoring what’s true for you. Over time, resentment builds. Clarity fades. And the quiet ache of self-abandonment grows louder.

My Aunt Beth once said:
“If you can’t agree to do something from a place of love, then the answer is no.”

That simple sentence is a compass. It reminds us that every yes should come from alignment—not obligation.

Listening to Yourself First

Saying no starts with listening. Not to the requests, or the expectations, or the urgency of others—but to yourself.

• Does the request feel heavy in your body?
  
  
• Do you feel a quiet “ugh” instead of an inner yes?
  
  
• Are you saying yes to avoid being uncomfortable?
  
  

Those feelings are signals. And when you slow down enough to listen, your truth usually isn’t buried very deep.

This is where the power of permission comes in. You don’t need to explain, over-justify, or apologize for protecting your time, energy, or emotional well-being.

You’re allowed to say no.
You're allowed to mean it.
You're allowed to let it stand.

What is a “Change Back” Message?

If you’ve never heard of Dr. Harriet Lerner’s work, especially her “Dancing With” series, it’s worth exploring. One of her central ideas is the “change back” message.

Here’s how it works:

When you start setting boundaries—especially if you haven’t in the past—the people around you are likely to feel uncomfortable. Not because you're doing something wrong, but because your no creates change. And most people don’t like change when it messes with their comfort.

You might hear things like:

“But you’ve always done this.”

“Can’t you just this once?”

“You’re being difficult.”

“You used to be so helpful.”

These are “change back” messages. They’re often subtle, but they pack a punch. And they’re designed (sometimes unconsciously) to get you to abandon your new boundary and return to the old, more convenient version of you.

Your job isn’t to argue with them.
Your job is to hold your truth steady.

You might say:

“I understand this is disappointing. My answer hasn’t changed.”

“I care about this, but I’m not able to give it energy right now.”

Or simply,
“No, thank you.”  It's enough,  You don’t have to add more. Your no is complete.

What No Can Sound Like

Let’s make it real. Here are a few examples of what saying no might look like in everyday life:

To a committee invitation:
“I know you're looking for someone to lead, but I can't give that kind of energy right now.”

To a friend’s repeated last-minute favors:
“I'm not available today. I hope you’re able to figure it out.”

To extended family around the holidays:
“This year, we’re keeping things simple at home. We won’t be traveling.”

To social plans when you're maxed out:
“Thanks for the invite—I'm going to pass this time.”

Notice how none of these are aggressive. They’re clear, grounded, and kind. Saying no doesn't require coldness—it just requires clarity.

When Saying No Feels Unbearable

Sometimes the hardest person to say no to is someone you love. Especially if you’ve spent a lifetime trying to earn their approval, keep the peace, or avoid conflict.

It can help to remember this:

Saying no is not a rejection of the person.
It’s a recognition of your limits.

It’s not a punishment.
It’s a choice based in honesty.

It’s not unkind.
It’s how relationships grow in mutual respect.

If someone can only stay connected to you when you say yes? That’s not connection—it’s control. And love doesn't demand that you disappear in order to belong.

A Story from the Inbox

Recently, someone shared this with us after reading a shorter version of this post:

“I didn’t know how to say no to my mom when she asked me to take on something that I just couldn't do. I felt like I had to, because she’s my mom. But I remembered what you said—about how saying no is just telling the truth. So I told her, as gently as I could, that I love her, but I’m not available for that right now. She didn’t like it. But I felt proud of myself for being honest. That’s new for me.”

You don’t need anyone’s permission to live in alignment. But sometimes it helps to be reminded:
You have the power to say no—and to hold it steady when someone wants you to change your mind.

Love as a Guidepost

When you’re not sure what to do, come back to Aunt Beth’s wisdom:

“If you can’t agree to do something from a place of love, then the answer is no.”

Love doesn’t mean people-pleasing.
Love doesn’t mean self-sacrifice.
Love means integrity. It means doing what’s right for you in a way that doesn’t harm others—but also doesn’t erase you.

That might be the most loving thing you can do.

When You Need Support

If holding your boundaries feels hard… if you’re tired of the guilt, the second-guessing, or the overwhelm of trying to keep everyone else happy—come talk to someone who won’t try to change your mind.

At HOLD, we listen.
No fixing. No pressure. Just calm, clear space to say it all out loud—and reconnect to your own voice.

You’re allowed to say no.
And you’re allowed to feel strong doing it.
Book a confidential listening appointment