Men and Emotions

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I remember waking up one night as a child and hearing something unusual in our house. The sound was coming from the basement. Quiet, but unmistakable.

My dad was crying.

His brother had died.

I was too young to know what to do with that moment. I didn’t know how to help him through his grief. I just knew that something heavy had settled into the house.

Years later, I realized that grief never really left him. It was something he carried quietly for the rest of his life. He went to work. He showed up for his family. He did all the things men are often expected to do.

But he carried that pain mostly alone, because he didn’t know any other way to live with it.

That experience stayed with me.

Many men have been taught that emotions are something to handle privately, quietly, or not at all. They move forward, do their jobs, take care of their responsibilities, and keep their feelings pushed down where no one else can see them.

In our society, men have long been conditioned to believe they shouldn’t have or express strong emotions. While that has shifted somewhat during my lifetime, we still have a long way to go.

Men are human. And like all humans, they experience the full range of emotions.

This blog is about normalizing men and emotions — and why allowing men to feel what they feel benefits not only them, but everyone around them.

In our society, men and emotions have had a complicated relationship for a long time. Many men grew up hearing messages—spoken or unspoken—that certain feelings should stay hidden. Sadness, fear, and vulnerability were often pushed aside, while anger was the one emotion that seemed acceptable.

This has shifted somewhat over the years, but the old messages still echo. Many men learned early that showing emotion could lead to judgment, teasing, or being seen as weak.

And yet, men are human. Just like women, they experience the full range of emotions. Grief, joy, fear, love, disappointment, pride, hope. None of these belong to one gender.

Years ago, I wrote a blog titled Coping with Overwhelming Emotions as a Mom. Later, I realized something important. I had written about emotions and parenting, but I hadn’t written anything directly for dads. You might also like the article The Power of Naming Feelings.

This post is meant to help correct that. The goal is simple: to normalize men and emotions, and to encourage a broader, healthier understanding of emotional life. Because the more emotionally aware people we have in the world, the better things tend to go for everyone.

Challenging Old Ideas About Men and Emotions

Historically, many boys were taught to handle emotions by pushing them down. “Big boys don’t cry” was a common phrase. The message was clear: stay strong, stay quiet, and don’t let your feelings show.

One famous image from American history reflects this cultural expectation. At President John F. Kennedy’s funeral, a three-year-old John F. Kennedy Jr. stood and saluted his father’s casket. The photograph became iconic.

What many people don’t realize is the moment behind it. According to the photographer who captured the image, Jackie Kennedy leaned down and whispered to her son to salute. He hesitated at first. She repeated the request, and the little boy let go of her hand and raised his arm.

He was three years old. It was his birthday. He had just lost his father.

And yet, the moment that echoed across the country showed him standing alone, saluting, composed.

Images like this helped shape a cultural story about men and emotions: strength means holding everything in.

But strength does not have to mean silence.

At one point in my life, a man said something to me very directly. His words were simple.

“That’s not the way men handle shit.”

He meant it as a correction. As if there were only one acceptable way for men to deal with pain, conflict, or emotion.

But the older I get, the more I find myself wondering something different.

What if it is?

What if speaking honestly, processing emotions, and allowing vulnerability is actually a powerful way for men to handle life?

Maybe the definition of strength has been too narrow for too long.

Understanding Men and Emotions

Both men and women experience complex emotional lives. Feelings rarely arrive in neat categories. They often come layered together.

A person might feel anger on the surface, while underneath there is fear. Or grief. Or disappointment.

Popular culture offers some helpful examples of men navigating emotions in different ways.

When musician John Legend and his wife Chrissy Teigen lost their son Jack late in pregnancy, they chose to share parts of their grief publicly. Legend later said he was initially unsure about sharing photos from the hospital but ultimately felt it helped others who were experiencing similar loss.

His openness allowed many people to feel less alone.

Contrast that with moments when anger becomes the most visible emotion. During the Super Bowl earlier this year, football player Travis Kelce had an angry outburst on the sidelines. Later, he apologized and said his behavior was unacceptable.

Moments like that remind us how easily anger can take center stage.

When anger is the only emotion men feel permitted to show, other feelings often get pushed underneath it. Fear, disappointment, or stress may all come out as anger because there is no safe space for them to appear in their original form.

But anger is rarely the only feeling present.

Men deserve the same emotional range that women do. Allowing space for that range can lead to healthier relationships, clearer thinking, and greater emotional balance.

When Emotions Stay Stuck

During my clinical training, I spent time working on a cardiac floor. One pattern stood out over and over again.

Many of the patients were men who had spent years carrying stress and emotion without expressing it. They worked harder. They pushed through. They ignored what they were feeling.

Eventually, the body began to show the cost.

Emotions that are never processed don’t simply disappear. Sometimes they stay stored in the body, showing up later as stress, tension, or illness.

There is another way.

Learning to recognize emotions, speak about them, and move through them can prevent that buildup. It allows feelings to become part of life’s experience rather than something that must be hidden or fought.

Supporting Men’s Emotional Expression

When men begin to express emotions more openly, the response they receive matters.

Some women unintentionally shut this down. Not out of cruelty, but out of habit. They may believe they need their partner to stay strong for them.

But strength and vulnerability are not opposites.

A man can be both strong and emotionally honest at the same time.

I once heard a father speak about losing his son to suicide. As he reflected on their relationship, he expressed deep regret about something he hadn’t realized at the time.

He had tried to be strong for his son by hiding his own fears and struggles. He showed only confidence and control. Later, he wondered if that unintentionally made his son believe that vulnerability was unacceptable.

His hope in sharing his story was that other fathers might choose differently.

Our children are always watching how we handle emotions. They learn not just from what we say, but from what we allow ourselves to feel.

Creating Healthier Emotional Norms

Navigating emotions can feel uncomfortable at first. Many people—men and women alike—were never taught how to do it.

But like any skill, it becomes easier with practice.

When women support men in expressing emotions, it helps create safety. When men support other men in doing the same, the shift can happen even faster.

Emotions themselves are not right or wrong. They are signals. When we allow them to exist and move through us, they tend to pass more naturally than when we try to hide them.

The blog Crying in Front of Your Kids explores this idea further. Children benefit when they see healthy emotional expression modeled around them.

Over time, these small changes can ripple outward. Families communicate more clearly. Conflict becomes easier to navigate. People feel less alone with their experiences.

And perhaps most importantly, men no longer have to carry their emotional lives in silence.

The idea that men must handle everything alone has been around for a long time.

Maybe it’s time to expand that story.

Written by Deb Porter, founder of HOLD | Hearing Out Life Drama—a space for calm, confidential listening and real emotional clarity.