Parenting Teens: A Season of Steady Hands and Letting Go
Jan 25, 2026
If parenting young children is about holding tight, parenting teens is about learning to let go—a little at a time.
It can feel disorienting, even painful, when a teenager who once reached for your hand now rolls their eyes at your suggestions, guards their privacy like a secret treasure, or turns to friends instead of you for advice. You may find yourself wondering: What happened to the connection we used to have? (See also the free resource Communicating With Your Teen)
Here’s the thing: nothing’s gone wrong.
This season of life is all about individuation—the process of becoming a distinct, independent person. And as much as it tugs at your heart, it's their job to push away from you. To question. To try things out. To say, “I’ve got this,” even when they’re still learning how.
It’s also your job to stay steady while they do.
Why Friends Suddenly Matter More
Teens are wired to seek belonging and peer validation. It’s part of how they begin to see themselves through eyes other than yours. That shift doesn’t mean your influence is gone—it just means your role is changing.
One powerful way to support their independence without losing connection is this:
Welcome their friends. Even the ones you're not sure about. Well honestly, especially the ones you're not sure about!
You don’t have to ignore red flags or condone harmful behavior. But if you can find something good—anything—to say about someone they’ve chosen, it keeps the door open. It signals, “I see you. I trust you. I’m here if you need me.”
And more often than not, that keeps them coming back.
When Frustration Creeps In
Let’s be honest: teens can be maddening.
They can forget the things you just reminded them of. They can seem careless with their words, closed off, or downright rude. But before assuming they’re being difficult on purpose, pause and ask:
What do they actually understand about the thing I’m asking them to do?
Let’s take a real-world example: phone calls.
You want your teen to start making appointments on their own, or call customer service when something breaks. Seems simple enough, right? They’ve seen you do it. But watching is different from doing—and phones, for many teens, feel high-stakes and uncomfortable.
Here’s where scaffolding comes in.
The Four Steps of Scaffolding
Scaffolding is a learning strategy that helps someone build a skill by gradually transferring responsibility. In parenting, it looks something like this:
- Do it for them — while they watch.
Let them hear how you navigate the call. You’re modeling tone, questions, and flow. - Do it with them.
Sit beside them while they make the call. Write a few key points down so they have a script. Rehearse it if needed. - Watch and support while they do it.
Let them lead. Resist the urge to jump in. If they get stuck, help them regroup—but let them finish. - Step out of the way.
Next time, they try it solo. You remind them they’ve done it before—and you trust they can do it again.
And when they do? Celebrate what they got right before offering any suggestions. That moment of you did it is the confidence builder that helps them keep going.
A Driver’s Ed Memory
Sometimes, these life lessons stick with us for years.
When I was learning to drive, my mom was the one who taught me. My dad was uncomfortable riding in the car, so it fell to her to take the wheel as a parent and a teacher. I also had a high school driver’s ed instructor named Mr. Blunt—yes, really—who drilled certain rules into our heads in the most memorable ways.
One thing he used to say still echoes in my mind:
“Accelerate through the curve.”
At the time, I thought it was just about driving technique. But now? I see it as a metaphor for parenting teens.
When things feel tense, when you’re hitting an emotional curve in your relationship with your teen—don’t slam the brakes. Don’t freeze in fear.
Accelerate through the curve. Stay present. Stay calm. Trust the process. It’s how you get to the other side safely.
And you can’t learn that without being in the car—without trying, messing up, and trying again.
That’s what your teen is doing, too.
Regulating Yourself First
Sometimes, it’s not about them at all. Sometimes your own nervous system is the one that’s activated.
If you're feeling overwhelmed or frustrated, pause and ask:
- Am I tired?
- Am I scared?
- Am I trying to control something that isn’t mine to hold?
You don’t have to be perfect. But taking a moment to regulate yourself before responding can shift the entire tone of your interaction. You get to model how to stay calm under pressure—and that’s a skill they’ll need far beyond this season.
Repair Is Part of the Relationship
You won’t always get it right. Neither will they.
There will be slammed doors, misunderstood texts, long silences, and moments when you wonder if you’re losing them.
Keep loving them. Keep believing that you're not. This is a process.
Staying in connection with your teen isn't about never messing up. It's about repairing the rupture when it happens.
That might sound like:
- “Hey, I didn’t love how I said that. Can I try again?”
- “I know we’re not seeing eye to eye right now, but I still care about you.”
- “Thanks for talking to me about that. I really appreciate that you told me.”
These small, honest repairs teach them that relationships can hold imperfection. That they’re worth coming back to. That love doesn’t vanish when things get hard.
For the Days That Feel Like Too Much
Parenting teens is emotional work. It asks you to stretch, to surrender, to stay close without clinging. To hold space when you’d rather have control. And to trust that even when your teen is pulling away, they still need you—just differently than before.
And when you’re the one carrying the weight of that transition, it’s okay to need support too.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, uncertain, or just want to talk it through with someone who gets it, that’s what I’m here for. No fixing. No advice. Just a space to say it all out loud.
Sometimes, that’s all it takes to make things feel clearer.
