Communication in Marriage: Why Listening Matters Most

When I served as a pastor, I had an expectation: before officiating a wedding, the couple had to meet with me three times.

It’s a common expectation in many churches, but for me, it wasn’t about checking a box. It was about helping them build something solid before they stood at the altar. The goal was simple: give them a running start by talking about the things that often become problems—before they actually become problems.

In those premarital sessions, I got to witness how couples handled the deeper stuff—the tough conversations about money, in-laws, parenting, and sex. The things that don’t show up in a photo album but shape a marriage every single day.

And I’ll be honest. I could usually tell by 30 minutes into the first session how things were going to go.

Not because of how much they loved each other.
Not because of how aligned their goals were.

But because of how they communicated.

Why Communication in Marriage Matters More Than Anything

Love gets you to the altar.
Communication gets you through everything else.

The happiest couples I worked with weren’t conflict-free. They didn’t have every issue solved or agree on every little thing. But they could talk. They could listen. They could stay with each other through hard conversations without shutting down, blowing up, or walking out.

That kind of communication takes practice.

And the couples who had already started building those muscles? You could feel it in the way they moved through hard topics—with curiosity instead of defensiveness. They gave each other space to be honest, and they didn’t try to “win” the conversation.

That’s not luck or fate. That’s communication.

The Top 5 Issues That Test Communication

Every couple I met came in with their own story—but the topics we covered were universal. These five areas show up again and again as the biggest challenges in long-term relationships and are statistically linked to divorce:

• Money: Different spending styles, budgeting, and financial goals can create tension unless both people know how to talk through them honestly.
  
  
• In-laws: Navigating extended family expectations takes clarity and boundaries—especially when emotions are high.
  
  
• Parenting: Whether it’s discipline, roles, or future planning, this one reveals differences fast.
  
  
• Sex and intimacy: Physical and emotional closeness can get tangled in unspoken needs and past experiences.
  
  
• Communication itself: How do you talk through all of the above without fighting, shutting down, or retreating?
  
  

And here’s the thing: every one of those topics is a communication issue underneath.

You don’t need perfect answers. You need the ability to talk about what matters.

The Difference a Listening Posture Makes

Some couples arrived at their first session already in “solve” mode. They had plans. Others sat quietly, one answering all the questions while the other faded into the background. And some… interrupted, over-talked, or steamrolled without realizing it.

What I watched closely for wasn’t what they said. It was how they responded to each other. Did they leave space for each other’s thoughts? Did they try to understand—or try to control?

The strongest relationships had one thing in common:
They were listening.

Not just nodding while waiting to talk.
Not offering constant solutions.
Not correcting the details of the story.

They were actually listening.

And that kind of listening creates emotional safety. From there, honesty, vulnerability, and connection all become possible.

Communication Isn’t About Being the Same

It’s a myth that strong communication means you always agree.

Some of the most grounded couples I met had totally different personalities or ways of expressing themselves. What mattered wasn’t sameness—it was willingness.

Willingness to listen.
Willingness to grow.
Willingness to try again when it didn’t land right the first time.

When one person said, “I want to understand you,” a softening happened that encouraged connection.

Because communication in marriage isn’t about getting it right every time.
It’s about staying in the conversation, especially when it’s hard.

What’s Getting in the Way of Your Connection?

You don’t need to be in a counseling session to reflect on this. You can pause right now and ask yourself:

Are we talking with each other—or just at each other?
Do we make space to finish a thought—or are we bracing for interruption?
When one of us opens up, do we offer presence—or solutions?
Do we face hard topics—or avoid them because they feel uncomfortable?
re we listening to understand—or just to respond?

These aren’t judgment questions.
They’re invitations to check in—and grow.

Listening Is the Game-Changer

I’ve spent the past few decades helping people feel heard—and it all started in those early sessions with couples on the edge of something big.

Whether it was nervous laughter or honest tears, those conversations often changed something. Not because I said the right thing—but because we practiced what it looked like to listen without judgment and respond with care.

That same possibility is available to you now.

If you’re married—or want to be—and you’re ready for a relationship built on trust, connection, and open-hearted communication, it starts with how you listen.

Learn More: Listen Your Way to Deeper Connections

I created Listen Your Way to Deeper Connections because I kept seeing the same thing: one small shift in how we listen can change the tone of an entire relationship.

This self-paced course is designed for real life—where emotions rise, conversations don’t always go as planned, and people want to feel safe sharing what’s really on their hearts.

You don’t need hours of study or perfect conditions to start.
The lessons are short, actionable, and grounded in everyday situations.
You’ll get tools you can apply in your very next conversation—tools that bring calm, clarity, and connection to the people you care about most.

Because the truth is, when someone feels heard, everything changes.

Explore the course here.

You Don’t Have to Be Perfect—You Just Have to Show Up

There’s no perfect marriage. No perfect listener.

But there is a way forward.

Every moment you choose presence over panic, curiosity over correction, connection over control—you’re doing the real work.

So if things feel hard right now, take heart. Communication in marriage isn’t about knowing the perfect thing to say. It’s about being willing to stay in the conversation.

That’s where real love grows.