Why Do I Feel Guilty When Things Are Going Well for Me?

Something good had happened in my business.

I was at a networking event not long afterward, sitting with a small group of people. We had been given a question to answer, and what had happened with my business would have been a perfectly natural thing for me to share.

Except someone else in the group was going through something really difficult.

When it was my turn, I didn't talk about the good thing that had happened.

I chose something else entirely.

No one asked me not to share it. No one suggested that my good news would be unwelcome. I made that decision all by myself because, in that moment, talking about something I was happy about felt insensitive.

I didn't even think much about it afterward.

It wasn't until I was at a different networking group and someone said something to me that I recognized what I had done.

"Don't put a lid over your light."

That stayed with me.

Because that was exactly what I had done.

I had taken something I was genuinely happy about and put a lid over it because someone else was having a hard time.

I thought I was being considerate.

And maybe that's why it took me a while to recognize there was something more going on.

When Happiness Starts to Feel Inconsiderate

There are plenty of times when being sensitive to someone else's circumstances is simply kind.

If your friend has just lost their job, you probably aren't going to interrupt the conversation to announce your promotion.

If someone is grieving, you may choose your timing carefully before talking about something wonderful happening in your own life.

Being aware of the emotional room you're standing in is part of caring about other people.

But there's a difference between choosing the right moment to share our happiness and deciding our happiness shouldn't be shared at all.

I hadn't made a thoughtful decision to save my news for another time.

I had instinctively hidden it.

Someone else was struggling, and something in me decided that meant I shouldn't be doing well quite so visibly.

I don't think I'm alone in that.

Why Do We Feel Guilty When Things Are Going Well?

Happiness can get surprisingly complicated when the people around us aren't experiencing it too.

You finally get the job while someone you care about is still searching.

Your relationship is going well while a friend's marriage is ending.

Something wonderful happens with your child while another parent you know is struggling with theirs.

Your finances begin to improve while someone close to you can't seem to catch a break.

You've finally come through a difficult season, but someone you love is still in the middle of theirs.

You can be deeply grateful for what is happening in your own life and still be painfully aware that someone else wishes their circumstances were different.

Those feelings can exist together.

But they don't always feel as though they're allowed to.

Instead, happiness can come with an unexpected question:

Is it okay for me to feel this good when they feel this bad?

Guilt Can Look a Lot Like Loyalty

I think part of what makes this difficult is that hiding our happiness can feel like an act of love.

If I care about you, I don't want to make your pain worse.

If you're disappointed, I don't want my happiness to highlight what you don't have.

If you're struggling, I don't want to seem as though I'm oblivious to it.

So maybe I make my news smaller.

I don't mention the trip.

I downplay the promotion.

I shrug off the accomplishment.

I change the subject when someone asks how things are going.

I say, "It's fine," when it's actually wonderful.

It can feel like we're protecting someone.

Guilt can show up in a similar way when we set a boundary. I wrote about that in Why Did Saying No Make Me Feel So Guilty?—another place where caring about someone else can make it difficult to give our own needs equal room. 

But there may be another question worth asking:

Does loving someone require me to be less happy so they don't have to see that I am?

I don't think it does.

Two Things Can Be True at the Same Time

This is one of those places where human emotions refuse to stay neatly in their assigned boxes.

You can be happy for yourself and sad for someone else.

You can celebrate something you've worked hard for and wish someone you love were having an easier time.

You can enjoy a wonderful day and still know someone else is having a terrible one.

One feeling doesn't cancel the other.

Your happiness isn't proof that you don't care.

And your compassion doesn't become more genuine because you refuse to enjoy something good.

We often understand this more easily when the roles are reversed.

If someone I cared about received wonderful news while I was struggling, I wouldn't want them to lose their happiness because of me.

I might not have the capacity to celebrate with them in exactly the way I would at another time.

I might even have complicated feelings of my own.

But their joy wouldn't take something away from me.

I wouldn't need them to put a lid over their light to prove they cared about me.

That realization gives me a different way to think about my own happiness too.

You Don't Have to Make Yourself Smaller

"Don't put a lid over your light."

I don't think that means we should walk into every room and demand that everyone notice how wonderfully our lives are going.

It doesn't mean ignoring what someone else is carrying.

It doesn't mean losing our sensitivity.

It means we don't have to make ourselves smaller in order to be compassionate.

There is room for discernment.

There is room to think, This probably isn't the moment.

There is room to notice that someone we love doesn't have the emotional capacity to celebrate with us right now.

And there is also room to find the people who can.

Maybe that's part of what I missed that day at the networking event.

The choice wasn't necessarily between sharing my happiness in a way that felt insensitive and not allowing myself to share it at all.

There were other choices.

I could care about what that person was going through and still recognize that something good had happened to me.

I could hold both.

Someone Else's Pain Doesn't Require Your Joy

When we care deeply about people, it can be difficult to separate empathy from responsibility.

We feel their disappointment.

We wish we could make things easier.

We may even wish we could hand them some of the good fortune that has come our way.

But we can't always do that.

Making ourselves less happy doesn't make someone else more happy.

Diminishing our accomplishment doesn't restore what someone else lost.

Refusing to enjoy what is good in our lives doesn't remove what is painful in theirs.

It only means there is now less joy in the room.

That doesn't mean we stop paying attention to how our happiness affects other people.

It means we allow compassion and joy to sit beside each other instead of insisting one must leave before the other can enter.

Maybe the Guilt Is Trying to Tell You That You Care

If you've ever felt guilty because something was going well for you while someone else was struggling, I don't think the guilt necessarily means there's anything wrong with your happiness.

It may say something about how much you care.

You noticed their pain.

You didn't want to add to it.

You wanted to be thoughtful about their experience.

Those are good instincts.

They just don't have to require your disappearance.

You can care about someone else's hard thing without hiding your good thing.

You can be thoughtful about when and how you share without deciding you shouldn't celebrate at all.

And you can give the people you love the dignity of deciding for themselves what they can hold instead of automatically assuming your happiness will hurt them.

A Place to Talk It Through

There are seasons when even happiness can bring complicated feelings with it.

Maybe life is finally getting easier for you while someone you love is still struggling.

Maybe something you've wanted for a long time finally happened, and instead of simply enjoying it, you find yourself thinking about all the people who don't have what you have.

Maybe you've become so accustomed to watching the emotional temperature of everyone around you that you don't quite know what it feels like to let your own joy take up space.

You don't have to be talked out of caring.

You don't need someone to tell you to stop worrying about everybody else and just be happy.

You may simply need somewhere to sort through the love, loyalty, gratitude and guilt that somehow arrived together.

That's something we can talk about at HOLD.

If something good is happening for you right now, I hope you let yourself feel it—and trust that caring about someone else's pain doesn't require putting a lid over your own light.

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Written by Deb Porter, founder of HOLD | Hearing Out Life Drama—a space for calm, confidential listening and real emotional clarity.