Why Do I Feel Like Everyone Needs Something From Me?

I was in the middle of a complicated medical task when my child came to me wanting to do something.

I wanted to say yes.

Then my phone rang.

At the time, I was caregiving and dealing with a couple of specialty pharmacies. Getting things coordinated could be complicated, and this was a return call I had been waiting for.

But I couldn't stop what I was doing.

I had to finish the medical task in front of me first.

By the time I could get to the phone, I'd missed the call.

I was incredibly frustrated.

My child still wanted something from me.

The pharmacy needed something from me.

The medical task needed something from me.

And there was only one of me.

What I remember most about that moment wasn't anger.

It was helplessness.

I wanted to be able to do all of it.

I couldn't.

When There Isn't Enough of You to Go Around

There are periods of life when it can feel as though everyone needs something from you.

It may happen while you're caregiving, as it did for me.

It can happen while raising children. While helping aging parents. At work. In a relationship. In a family where you've somehow become the person everyone calls when something needs to be handled.

Often, you became that person for good reasons.

You're dependable.

You care.

You know how to get things done.

People trust you.

And maybe, most of the time, you want to help.

That's what can make the depletion so difficult to understand.

You love these people.

So why does one more request feel like so much?

It's Not Always That You Don't Want to Help

When my child asked me for something that day, I didn't want to say no.

I wanted very badly to say yes.

That's an important part of the story for me.

I wasn't frustrated because my child had done something wrong by asking.

I wasn't frustrated because the pharmacy called.

I wasn't frustrated because the medical task needed to be done.

Every individual need made sense.

The problem was that they were all happening at once.

There was no choice I could make that allowed me to meet every need in that moment.

And when you're accustomed to being the person who handles things, that can create its own kind of pain.

Someone is going to have to wait.

Something isn't going to get done.

Someone may be disappointed.

And you can't solve that by trying harder.

Being Capable Doesn't Give You Infinite Capacity

This is something I wish more people understood about the person everyone relies on.

Being capable and having capacity are not the same thing.

You may be perfectly capable of making the appointment, returning the phone call, helping your child, solving the work problem, checking on your parent, making dinner and remembering the thing everyone else forgot.

That doesn't mean you have the capacity to do all of those things at once.

Yet when we've managed a lot for a long time, other people may not see the difference.

We may not see it either.

We keep finding a way.

Until there isn't one.

That's where helplessness can creep in.

Not because we don't know what to do.

Because we know exactly what needs to be done and there simply isn't enough of us to do all of it.

The Person Everyone Relies On Has Needs Too

There's another strange thing that can happen when you become very good at taking care of other people.

Your own needs can become the easiest ones to postpone.

You'll eat later.

You'll make your appointment another day.

You'll rest when this is finished.

You'll think about what you're feeling after you solve the immediate problem.

Except another immediate problem tends to arrive.

And then another.

Eventually, it can become difficult to even answer the question:

What do I need?

You're so accustomed to scanning for everyone else's needs that your own barely register.

That doesn't mean you've stopped mattering.

It may simply mean you've been operating for a long time in a life where the most urgent need usually wins.

You Can Love People and Still Have Nothing Left to Give

This may be one of the hardest things to admit.

There can come a point when you don't want one more person to need something from you.

Not because you don't love them.

Not because you don't care what happens to them.

Not because they've become a burden.

You are depleted.

There's an important difference between being tired of the people you love and being tired from the amount of need you're carrying.

We don't always give ourselves permission to make that distinction.

Instead, we feel guilty.

Why am I irritated?

Why can't I just do this one more thing?

They need me.

Yes.

And you are still one person.

Not Every Need Can Be Met at the Same Time

That day during my caregiving years, I had to finish the medical task first.

That meant I missed the pharmacy call.

It meant my child had to wait.

I didn't like either of those things.

But there wasn't a choice that made all three needs disappear.

I think that's what I couldn't see clearly in the moment.

I wasn't failing because I couldn't do everything simultaneously.

The situation required more than one person could give at one time.

There are moments when something has to wait.

There are times when the answer has to be no, even when you desperately wish it could be yes.

There are phone calls you'll miss.

There are people you love who may be disappointed.

None of that means you stopped caring.

When You're the One Everyone Comes To

If you've been the dependable one for a long time, people may continue coming to you because you've taught them that they can.

That's not necessarily a bad thing.

Being trusted is meaningful.

Being able to care for people we love is meaningful.

But being needed can feel very different when the amount of need exceeds what one person can reasonably carry.

You may find yourself wishing, just for a little while, that nobody needed anything.

That thought can feel terrible when you're a person who cares deeply.

But perhaps it doesn't mean what you think it means.

Maybe you're not wishing the people away.

Maybe you just need a moment when nothing is being asked of you.

A Place to Talk It Through

When everyone depends on you, it can be hard to know where you get to go with everything you're carrying.

You may not want advice.

You may not need someone to tell you to take a bubble bath, set better boundaries, or become more organized.

You may simply need one place where, for a little while, you aren't responsible for taking care of anyone else's feelings.

At HOLD, that's what listening appointments are for.

You can talk about the frustration, the guilt, the love, the resentment, the helplessness—or whatever is true for you—without needing to make it sound better than it is.

For once, someone else can do the listening.

If it feels like everyone needs something from you right now, I hope you find a little room somewhere for what you need, too.

Book a Listening Appointment or Join the HOLD Community on Patreon 

Written by Deb Porter, founder of HOLD | Hearing Out Life Drama—a space for calm, confidential listening and real emotional clarity.